Come Sail Away IC Inbox

[crushed_pearls]

Erin's voice mail message is in a weary voice: "Erin Peters. If you called in the middle of the night and I didn't answer, I'm dying. If I pick up and someone on your end isn't dying, they will be shortly. Text otherwise."

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[serialskiller]

“Oh. Well. If I’m going to try to accept myself as a person, I should probably have an idea of what sort of person I want to be. That’s all.”

Because that’s such a small thing. It sits up, pulling its weighted blanket up into its arms and sort of hugging it.

“Also, I will gladly talk about who I care for. But I’m serious, don’t make it weird.” Because it is so self-conscious saying even this much,

[crushed_pearls]

(Is it just gonna keep dropping huge self-revelations in that same casual tone?)

Me. Myself. Mine Own Head Voice. Mine friend and enemy both. Does SecUnit drop revelations any other way?

(...Okay fine.)

Erin takes a seat on Not The Floor because back problems are not solved by the Wyrd alone. "I won't make it weird."

[serialskiller]

"I said some things to Max--the Max that's my roommate--while he was drunk. And then I heard myself saying them." It grabs a drone from its pocket, flicks it into the air to provide exact playback.

(there's the tiniest little rattling sound, because each of its drones now has googly eyes glued to it.)

The clips are modulated in volume, but it's clear the cyborg was yelling at the time. "That doesn't mean you have to live that here, too. You have choices. You're not there now, and you don't have to be what you were made!"

Max, audibly crying. "I don't want to be more! I... can't. I can't. I'm too scared. What if... what if I learn to be something else and then I just... lose it again."

"And what if you don't, Max? What's the point in holding so tightly onto this fear and pain, hard enough that you don't let yourself figure out how to live again? They made you less, made you small, broke you down, and they're not here and you are. We are. You have the space and time to find yourself again. You can choose your own name, build your own schedule, make friends, it's open to you now." A pause, and then an emphatic little "Fuck."

[crushed_pearls]

That. Was not what Erin had been expecting, honestly. SecUnit sure did bomb its own position there. It's not looking at her but she nods anyway out of habit. "I've had a moment like that myself. It's a hell of a realization."

[serialskiller]

"There's some part of my organic mind that keeps trying to process it as pain somehow, and I don't entirely understand why, but also ow, fuck. Between that and conversations I've had with Helena, I've decided something needs to shift."

Is this a breakdown or a blooming? A chick must destroy the whole world it's known in order to be born. It's aware it's been at the edge of a thing, but maybe now it's leapt off, just by saying this much to Erin aloud, in words.

[crushed_pearls]

"Very slow tigers are chasing me," Erin murmurs to herself, unaware that she's quoted it (not that she knows where it's from, Ramona had said it to her once). Louder: "It's gonna hurt. Being reborn always does. There's a certain amount of screaming you can't really dodge, and change...even good change...can be a lot. Even before everything at the hotel I was gonna hole up in my room awhile just to like, have a minute to deal with life being so different here."

[serialskiller]

"It's different. It's not all bad. 'Home is a place you can feel safe', right?"

And it just told her it wants to help its crew feel safe. It's all-in on building home, here, at least for its people.

(There has been a LOT going on under the surface with it lately. And she's the first person to get the printout that shows the results.)

[crushed_pearls]

"...Yeah. Even if I'm still grappling with that idea, yeah." Deep breath, center. "Where's that take you from here, SecUnit? We're still living in an intrinsic safety hazard."

[serialskiller]

It doesn't rush to answer that, taking a breath of its weighted blanket, the scent of lavender and chamomile. "Erin, what do you imagine would happen, if Max-my-roommate dies? What do you think the next morning would look like for him?"

Home is a place you can feel safe. There's nothing any of them can do to blunt the edges of this world, not really. But it's ready to exist in a role that offers support to the ones it cherishes.

When it steps into the position of a bodyguard behind Cassandra, it's not promising that it can actually protect her from every threat. But it is offering to try. And that helps her. When it sleeps beside Helena, to help chase the nightmares away, it's not deleting the painful memories she has. But it's giving her pleasant ones for now. That's something. When it gently nudges Klaus away from his cruel self-talk, it's not literally fighting their father's cruelties. But it's reminding them to participate in that fight.

It doesn't need to cut its own arm off to prolong the life of a human in a zombie swarm. It needs to be present. That...that is important in itself.

[crushed_pearls]

"I imagine you'll be there for him. And probably remind him that we don't just jump out windows just because someone said to in a very commanding voice." Erin chews her lip for a moment. "...I've sicced Ossie on him, to get him help. He'll need you to endure it. Fair warning."

[serialskiller]

"He will have me."

A stern little nod.

"Ossie...did a lot of the heavy lifting that led to this conversation. He said something that I had not been understanding before."

[crushed_pearls]

"He's good at that. What was it?"

[serialskiller]

"That what I choose to be doesn't have to not be what I was made to be. 'Sometimes it is a different question, of doing something for yourself as opposed to doing it for others.'"

Yes, that's convoluted. It's still revolutionary.

[crushed_pearls]

"...Yeah." Erin's hand brushes the hilt of her sword, a thoughtful and almost affectionate gesture. "Yeah, I dig it. I'm glad to hear it, SecUnit. You'll let me know if I can ever help, yeah?"

It's not the only one trying to do things differently, after all.

[serialskiller]

"I will. Someday, I might even ask you to call me by a name. Not my current name, though, that one's not fitting very much at this point." And it pauses, glancing at her. It's almost an invitation if she wants to ask, at this point.

[crushed_pearls]

It sure is an invitation, but it's one Erin is visibly thinking over. She tilts her head, that birdlike gesture again, kept so long from a friendship long since ended in tears...

"...I look forward to hearing one that fits you better, SecUnit."

[serialskiller]

"Thank you." It's quiet but heartfelt. It sets the blanket down, finally stands. "Do you have plans for lunch?"

[crushed_pearls]

"Well I was gonna work up an appetite through world domination but I can put that off 'till next week."

[serialskiller]

It huffs, almost a laugh, and opens the door, holding it for her. "Buffet or Drunken Sailor?"

Feel free to get us there I am the Unbrain

[crushed_pearls]

"Bit early for bar food, I think, so buffet it is." She's not gonna ask why it avoids the dining hall until she figures out why the fuck she herself avoids the dining hall. "Lemme just drop my blanket and book off and we can be on our way, yeah?"

[serialskiller]

After a pit stop at her cabin, where it politely avoids peeking into the room (not because of her, but to offer Helena her privacy, not that it would state this aloud), they have toward the buffet, where it is solidly brunchtime. Which means it's time for the heavy machinery to pile on the chocolate chip pancakes.

[crushed_pearls]

That sounds like a plan actually. Erin follows suit, though she also lays in heavy on the protein. As always she's a big eater, though with how hard it's been to eat lately...well, it's been a good morning so far, let's say.

She settles in at the table and starts in on the syrup. Yes the meat will get syrup.

She'll let SecUnit continue the conversation here. It doesn't invite her out to eat a lot, and she's not gonna presume its mind on the matter.

Also now that she is eating Erin is fucking ravenous, so there's that.

[serialskiller]

What it doesn't do is rush to fill the silence, taking things slow and letting the pancakes have the bulk of its attention for a moment.

But in the manner it's always had, it drops the revelation casually (though it's kind enough to wait until after she's swallowed a bite so she doesn't choke on it).

"Murderbot. The name I call myself is Murderbot. It has been since I found out why my memory was purged."

[crushed_pearls]

Erin's fork stops partway to a bacon strip with enough syrup on it to, spiritually, be a pancake. There's a long pause before she sets it down and takes a drink of coffee instead.

At last: "I can see why you might be shopping for a replacement these days, yeah."

[serialskiller]

"I haven't killed anyone on this ship. Murder or otherwise. Not even during the battle royale." It did shoot Crabb, but that was...look, it wasn't aiming to kill.