Come Sail Away IC Inbox

[crushed_pearls]

Erin's voice mail message is in a weary voice: "Erin Peters. If you called in the middle of the night and I didn't answer, I'm dying. If I pick up and someone on your end isn't dying, they will be shortly. Text otherwise."

Comments

[decrypter]

"...because that day, there was a lot of bad news for you to process, and I preferred to divert your mind rather than saying something that felt like demanding your attention on me. And before you say anything, I didn't want to tell anyone, because I didn't want to curse the day and bring something unfortunate down. Call me foolish, but I thought without attention, the day had the best chance of being peaceful."

She exhales quietly, remembering all the paper flowers she had folded, each with that wish for a calm day.

"Only one other person in this entire ship knows it happened, and it's not for lack of wanting to tell you." A tiny, tiny pause. "January thirteenth."

[crushed_pearls]

"Well. Happy birthday, Helena, and congrats." Erin sighs deeply from her bed. "...I don't remember my proper birthday but I celebrate my Homecoming on November seventeenth. If we're all still around then, bully me relentlessly for being old as fuck."

[decrypter]

"I'll be around then just to spite you."

It holds no teeth, a kitten's play bite of a threat.

"...For what it's worth, Erin, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

That's even softer, and she knows that Erin might be able to discern where it comes from. Even in a place like this, she hasn't yet lost that reflex to not be bothersome. To be calm and sweet and palatable to everyone, even at her own expense. Surviving, that way.

[crushed_pearls]

"I won't ride you about it lass. It'd just be the conversation we finished having all over again. It's just..." Erin sighs, wistful, frustrated. "...It's so odd to me that you know to defend your worth if some dipshit assumes you're crippled but the moment it seems like someone might love or cherish you suddenly you act like you're not worth the trouble."

[decrypter]

Cherish. She's glad Erin is lying on her bed and can't see the way Helena turns her head away so that she can smile a little to herself. Instead, she knows there's a question there, one she might try to answer.

"...That's not it. It's more that worse things need to be handled first - they're greater priority. I know not to be selfish when someone else is hurting, when something bad has happened. My conscience simply wouldn't allow it. I can hold on, and wait for the worse things to clear. I have the patience, but the things that hurt...they don't wait."

[crushed_pearls]

"Helena, little bird...you got a doctorate you been hiding from me?"

She's going somewhere with this.

[decrypter]

"No. I knew a doctor, though."

She still thinks about her, occasionally. Warm, gentle hands, and smelling like antiseptic, exhaustion in her voice. Dr. Dyer was a good soul.

[crushed_pearls]

"Then it's not on you to run triage for the world, and especially not at the cost of your own needs. It's one thing when we're in an emergency, I'll hear out that you didn't get your broken foot seen to because someone else has a stab wound, but..." That sigh again. "Not every time is go time, little bird. I been telling people this, maybe you'll be the first one to hear it and listen: if you want a peaceful life you gotta learn to live one, like, actively. It's a skill as much as survival or swordsmanship or swimming. When d'ya think you wanna get started on that? 'cause...I'm trying to learn it now."

[decrypter]

She's quiet for a moment, letting that sink in. There's a peaceful life, but then there's so many people saying that such a life can't be found here, reminding of dangers. There's good things, and there's bodies and the scent of blood. There's a caging, and there's freedom. Every day, another number in her record.

"...if I get too involved in a peaceful life, what will happen when the next horror comes?"

That is the center of it.

[crushed_pearls]

"I hear that a lot, and y'know, I've got the opposite worry, for myself? That I won't be able to recognize a life of peace, but..."

Erin pauses. It's a long pause; her breathing is steady but not sleepy, and she hums faintly.

"...If it's a skill, asking what happens if you get too involved in a peaceful life is like asking what happens if you get too into swimming and forget how to walk. It's fundamentally a bit silly, lass. If you don't want to lose your edge, keep training that too. What're you gonna do, run out of free time in our pocket dimension composed mainly of free time?"

[decrypter]

There's a small affirmative noise, and Helena's quiet again, breathing steadily. It's a good thing that they laughed earlier, that her spirits are buffeted instead of sinking down as they might. It keeps her listening, instead of trying to shut things off.

Finally, she speaks again.

"I...do want a peaceful life. At least, as much as is allowed."

One where she can tell people it's her birthday, and not think she's being selfish. One where a trip to enjoy the snow can be just that. A life where she can laugh until she aches and simply smile afterwards. A life where she can write.

[crushed_pearls]

"Yeah, we can't always choose when sorrow comes calling. We all live in debt to woe and it collects on its own schedule, but...even if I can't promise to teach you peace, I'll be here learning it alongside you as long as you'll have me."

Erin yawns and winces; that was her jaw popping. "Think I might be tapping out, little bird. You gonna sleep more?"

[decrypter]

"...Yeah. In a little bit."

In the meantime, she wants to lie here, letting the idea of a peaceful life sink in, until it lulls her to sleep. In the daylight, she'll ask Erin what one does for a belated birthday, and probably fall to laughing all over again the moment she hears something that sounds like a trumpet.

It'll be a good day.