Come Sail Away IC Inbox

[crushed_pearls]

Erin's voice mail message is in a weary voice: "Erin Peters. If you called in the middle of the night and I didn't answer, I'm dying. If I pick up and someone on your end isn't dying, they will be shortly. Text otherwise."

Comments

[crushed_pearls]

Several lines of 'god damn it' are picked up by the speech to text and dutifully recorded, not noticed by Erin at all, and precede the following:

If I had all the answers I would have found out how to be happy just being me. What I mostly have are useful questions. Things other people had to give me before I could even get this far. I had hoped Darcy might ask them of herself too. She seemed to be getting it when we talked before but let me guess. Just a wild guess here. She immediately decided this was her personal failing and would not hear a word otherwise.

Spoilers: not a wild guess, not after 'apologizing for things that aren't her fault' and also Darcy's angry text that Erin will not be bringing up.

[treadwater]

Pretty much. And...

Okay. Can I say something really, really, really mean?

[crushed_pearls]

Yeah. Just keep in mind that it can be hard to take back.

[treadwater]

I don't know if I have the energy to both...work on me and try to make things right with her at the same time, and I think I might choose me. At least. Right now.

And I know that's a selfish choice, and I know that's fucked up, and I know that might hurt her. But.

[crushed_pearls]

Long minutes pass.

If that library has any philosophy books you should look up Egoists. They are terrible awful people and you will hate them instantly as is just and righteous. But they had one good idea. They said that to love others you must first be able to love yourself. It is not a completely correct idea. But there is something to it. It can be hard to really give of yourself when you are waging the war on you. I will not fault you if you try to fight only the one battle.

But.

What will you do if she tries?

[treadwater]

No non-fiction books at all.

And I don't know. Is she trying because she feels like she's fucked up and failed and she wants to not have failed, or is she trying because she wants to help me see who I might become?

I don't know if the latter one is on the table for her. She looked...betrayed, when I told her I wanted an adultier adult. When I said she wasn't the reason the inside of my head is on fire and I want to put it out and figure out who I am without Alchemical Water. She looked like I told her I wanted to find a kitten and drown it in the toilet.

[crushed_pearls]

God. Do we even have such an adult here.

I don't have answers here. Some of the information that gives me suspicions is not mine to share. But. I think the idea of facing that journey scares her. There is a comfort in being sad and hurt. It is more familiar than the alien pain of being loved.

[treadwater]

I've seen that happen with someone before. Not a girlfriend, but a friend. And she didn't get angry, she just...pulled away. Still something of an end, though. Just not one we ever shared that we knew about.

[crushed_pearls]

Never easy. People have to accept help too.

Undine. I do apologize for my part in this. I did encourage her to talk to you. Maybe things would have worked out in their own time. Possibly it was not my place to say a god damn thing. I really did think it would go better.

[treadwater]

You don't get to claim responsibility for troubles that you're not actually really the cause of any more than she does. Okay?

[crushed_pearls]

Yeah. I read you loud and clear. Still.

I might not text back for a bit I think I might need to let Darcy kick my ass for a bit. Emphasis on the word let here as in purposeful action.