crushed_pearls | Come Sail Away IC Inbox

"...Buddy, if it helps, we can't do it by accident. Usually." Erin tilts her head, birdlike, trying to figure out Johnny's mind. "I don't do it much myself these days. It feels...weird, after all I've been through. But that's my beef, not an intrinsic flaw."

"We can't do it by accident. Fae things."

And he knows there's a risk of hitting her, emotionally, with the way he's having an internal panic over this, that distress of becoming that little much more like her might be seen as distress at her. But he realizes that she just glided past the possibility of this being a Thing without even a moment's thought. So he needs to underline it, at least a little.

He is now a Spring Courtier fae thing that can (maybe) bind a promise, and no longer the most human person on the ship. He's been changed enough here, now, that he isn't just some guy anymore. Sure, the eyes happened, but that's not the same as gaining a supernatural splat.

"...Mmm. Poor phrasing on my part." Erin clicks her tongue, trying to Think. "The thing is, the mark of the Wyrd is...that whole bit where the living world talks to you, and can be spoken to in turn. And you don't do that. If we were back home I'd say you were some kind of hedge-wizard if you could bind a pact but didn't hear the call of the living world, but here? Who fucking knows. But..."

She trails off. When Erin finishes her voice is very small: "I've always held that I'm still human, Johnny. Why wouldn't you be?"

Fuck, yeah, exactly what he didn't want to do. He stands, stubbing out his cigar. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...I...I'm sorry."

Clearly, his intention is to run away, rather than to try and navigate the narrow, narrow bridge over the chasm he's created.

"Buddy, breathe. Do I sound mad?" Wait, fuck, Erin's dealing with someone who has the power Fairest fear. "Lemme amend that - I'm not mad. I'm trying to figure out where your head is at."

"I feel like I've lost something. Like...I can no longer tell myself the lie that I'm normal. Human, not human, they're fucking squishy categories on this ship, I know. But I'm hurting right now, and I'm trying not to hurt you with my hurting. I've been changed enough that I feel different and that matters because it does."

He is experiencing this as a loss, somehow.

"...Yeah, I think I get it. The canoe cannot be a tree any longer; all change is some kind of loss." Erin chews the end of her cigar; she's gonna ruin it like this if she doesn't pay attention. "I'm not gonna hold that against you, Johnny. I don't really think I could even if I wanted to. These..." she folds a wing over, and brushes it gently with her fingertips. "Back home, me putting these on would have been an act of high sorcery. Struggle. Strife. My life on the line. Here they showed up in the mail against my will. Y'know?"

"Yes. I know exactly what you mean." He sighs, turning back toward her. "Of course, you can't say I wasn't kidnapped by an insane being of godlike power to be used for his obscure purposes, slowly having everything that made me normal sucked out of me. Maybe on some level, this is all fitting."

"Maybe, but you're allowed to feel a kinda way about that, man. I might be shipping out from the Court of accepting that you can't un-change and you gotta be happy as you are now but if anyone rolled up to a Spring Court trying to say it's a good thing they became Lost that person is gonna change into a corpse real fucking fast."

"I'm feeling a lot of contradictory ways, honestly." He lets out a heavy sigh.

"Ain't that the experience." Erin's ears droop faintly. "...I'm tryin' to be here for you but this is just left enough of my wheelhouse that I'm not sure how."

"Tell me everything I need to know to keep myself out of trouble, given what I'm dealing with. Teach me. And tell me you love me still, that'll help a lot."

Do you remember when you offered to help me with my nightmares?

I would never forget. What do you need?

I need to figure out how to control them. Before I get accustomed to them being there all the time again.

You comfortable in the hot tub? This will be like the sixth time I have had this talk and it is best done while completely relaxed. You can name your location if the answer is no.

Erin reaches over and squeezes Johnny's hand. "My friend, I've got your back now and always. It'll be alright."

There's more than one way to say 'love'. Erin takes her hand back only reluctantly, but leaves it on the bar in case Johnny still wants it.

"...Some stuff might be easier shown, but are you asking about the vows, the Mantle, or both? The Mantle is more of a hypothetical problem where this ship suddenly crash lands on a world full of the Lost."

I'll get my swimsuit and I'll be there.

Author's note that Helena's swimsuit is actually knee length shorts and the I Survived The Labyrinth of Suffering t-shirt. It's the most modest combo she managed to make.

Don't worry, Erin's hot tub outfit is jorts and a tank top with the sports bra on, it's fine. She waits for Helena to arrive, chilling out with a light cocktail from the pool bar; when Helena gets closer Erin helpfully takes a Very Loud Sip so her roommate can figure out which part not to walk in on.

Erin loves Helena but getting stepped on by her to the end result of both of them going under the water might be the mutual humiliation that gets them sleeping in separate rooms for a hot minute.

Thankfully, no stepping is happening today. Instead, Helena can get in the hot tub safely, sinking in up to her neck before she speaks.

"Thank you for being willing to talk about it yet again. You know I wouldn't come to you unless it was worth addressing but...they're coming even when I'm asleep next to Security, and they used to stay away like that."

"Mmm. You're gonna run into some deep cut questions about dreams, and not everything I'm about to say is going to be...pleasant." Erin takes another sip, and sets her cocktail aside. She sighs as she sinks further into the hot tub. "...I'm sorry to hear it, though. I. Know the feeling, Helena."

"I don't doubt that you do, and I'm sorry that you do know, but...grateful you understand."

She shuts her eyes, letting herself just exist in the tub - it's soothing, whenever she's done this, either after swimming or just to be calm.

"But whatever needs to be done isn't liable to be pleasant in the first place, so I'm prepared."

There's a long silence, broken up only by the sound of the bubbles.

"...I have an easy patch. I can supply you with sweet dreams, and I probably will as part of whatever solution we choose, but this is nothing, a splint for a broken leg you'll still be walking on. You need to have nightmares, Helena. They're part of a healthy dreamscape, and if I try to smother them for too long all I'll have done for you is crack your mind like a stone in a too-tight grip. If you really, truly think they'll just pass, we can try treating the symptoms instead of the cause. I doubt it's going to be that easy."

A little frown crosses her face, but she doesn't object, taking in the wisdom that half a year ago she would have rejected out of hand.

"...They aren't going to pass. If they were going to, they would have already. Instead, they've just gotten worse. I want them to be manageable, and they aren't if they're waking me up nearly every night."

"Yeah, I thought as much. Which means the second, more...intrusive...option." Erin blows out a long breath. "I'm still working with Daisy in her dreams, several nights a week. But if you're willing, we can arrange a pact that will let me enter yours, and from there I can help teach you lucid dreaming. It's not a cure-all. The night will still be dark and full of terrors, but...something tells me you'll take well to it as a technique, Helena. Right now your nightmares are an enemy you can't confront at all. Being able to grapple with them changes the game."

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pre-excursion some time, midday.

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